A List to Live By (or, ‘F off Cosmo’)
I received an email the other day from a brilliantly funny friend of mine, containing this link and the words ‘f off Cosmo.’ There couldn’t be a more enticing lead in … and, as it transpired, a better sentiment. The link, my friends, was to this offering – a collation of file photos that dictated the boring, irrelevant text.
25 Things You’re Too Old for at 25
I don’t have the energy, nor the inclination to give each item my full attention – particularly as 90% of them are nonsensical fillers crafted (although ‘crafted’ implies some sort of thought has gone into the entire process) around the file photo, not borne of any genuine wit or insight – so I have selected some of my favourites. And when I say favourites, I don’t mean it in a positive way. It is not a good thing to be a favourite when you’re on a Cosmo list.
Dressing head to toe in pink. Now, I’m sorry, but really? This is the first thing you’re too old for at 25? The first thing that springs to mind? Because, frankly, I don’t know many people who do dress head to toe in one colour, be it pink or blue or red. And the one person I do know who does commit to a pink outfit with consistent gusto is bloody brilliant and I hope to God she never changes, whether she’s 25 or 55.
Talking about how hammered you got last night. Apparently this is best left to ‘fresh faced teenagers’ who suffer ‘epic hangovers’ from a ‘couple of Cruisers.’ I beg to differ. Let them discuss their epic hangovers, but do not deny me the dissection, over poached eggs on toast, of my own hangover, just because I’ve hit the quarter century mark. And does this mean I am too old to get drunk, or just too old to talk about it? I take umbrage with both. Not only will I not farewell the notion of getting drunk for the rest of my days, but I will not suffer my hangovers in dignified, aged silence. In the words of my dear friend who let me loose on this list to begin with, “I will binge drink, vomit, and declare it with pride until the day I die (or marry into a royal family).”
Speaking in web lingo. Well a) I’m too young to use such terms as ‘web lingo’ and b) no one really says LOLZ unless they’re a character in YA fiction or being deliberately knobbish. Or, are indeed, a knob. In which case the issue is not age so much as knobdom. LOLZ shouldn’t be acceptable as a genuine expression at any age.
Wondering if your grade 12 crush was ‘the one’. Ugh. Half the fun in life is wondering, and doing it over various beverages with friends. Don’t suck the fun out of life, Cosmo.
Quoting SATC as gosepl. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but the SATC girls were in their 30s when the series began and discussing issues pertaining to that decade of their lives. So why the feck are we too old to quote it at 25? Cosmo’s reasoning is, we’ve ‘had enough experience in love by now, stop taking life advice from fictional characters.’ I think they just wanted to use a photo of Carrie Bradshaw.
Owning soft toys. Okay, whatever, I don’t really care for this one as an item, per se – I do, however, feel compelled to let you in on yet another gem of Cosmo’s reasoning; ‘did you hear about the woman who bagged herself a hottie after he saw her bedroom filled with Beanie Babies.’ It always comes down to the hottie and the bagging thereof. And don’t you forget it.
Thinking life is a fairy tale. “Things won’t always go your way, you may not be swept off your feet, and you may not always be treated like a princess.” Cosmo gets deep.
Wearing leotards. Does anyone genuinely wear them? If so, good on you. You’re braver than I am.
Attending teeny bopper concerts. Pffft, I’ll attend whatever concerts I want.
Carrying your pet everywhere. Again, is this an age issue or a knob issue? And you know what, if I have a pet mini pig (as I so hope to at some point in my life) and he gets tired on a walk and wants to hop into my bag, then I will carry that pig with pride.
Baby talking. Apparently 25 is definitely the cut off age for baby talking. So all you 24 year olds, make the most of your remaining days.
Doing quizzes in teen magazines. I daresay they’re so much funnier when you’re 25.
The walk of shame. Now, don’t worry, you can do it, but you need to be prepared. Ie: take a change of clothes with you when you hit the town so you’re fresh the next morning. And remember, no one wants to hear about how the level of hammered-ness that led to the walk of shame. Just pop your fresh outfit on and keep quiet.
Being uninformed. It’s not cool to not know anything about Haiti. Cosmo will assist you in all you need to know on the big issues, so make sure you read up.
Having a crush on Taylor Lautner. God guys, he’s barely legal. What kind of a 25 year old crushes on a barely legal, perpetually shirtless werewolf? Get a life.
When one reads something that comes from the magazine that once questioned ‘are two vaginas better than one’, expectations are never high. And never met. At least they’re consistent.