A month out from departing for Australia and turning this present on its head, it is close enough to start feeling the gentle nudge of anxiety in my belly and yet far enough away to not feel quite real yet. But in this strange limbo, the pendulum is swinging more toward the former at the moment, toward the encroaching anxiety, a pervasive, shape shifting beast that can make itself comfortable anywhere, be it the back of your mind or bottom of your gut. To assuage it, I look at job sites religiously, send myself email reminders, send ‘hi there, keep me on file!’ emails to companies who have better things to do, like find someone for the job they are advertising now. I can’t actually officially apply for anything yet, not least because I am not in the country for interviews, but also because these people probably want positions filled at least a week before I get back. So I skulk around seek.com.au, frustrated I cannot pounce and yet oddly nervous about the dawning of the day upon which I can pounce. Because that day will ramp things up a notch, add a touch of urgency to a bizarrely stagnant situation.
So I must wait. Which is fine. I mean, I have never been particularly good at waiting and I would quite like to be able to control the job element of things, if only to be able to control something, but I can wait. I will just do a lot of things while I wait, to distract myself. Today I woke up and didn’t have anything pressing on the agenda. No deadlines, no urgent emails, no nothing. So I baked and, let it be known, I am not the kind of person who bakes when she has nothing else to do. I am the kind of person who eats when she has nothing else to do. We re-potted our plants. We hung a picture on the wall, making this apartment I will leave in a month even prettier. If I don’t do things, I start thinking. I start trying to see ahead and guess what the next twelve months will hold, what they will be like, where they will deposit me at the end (and in what state they will deposit me in). I calculate and guestimate and try to fill in blanks I cannot possibly fill in. Or I make lists. Lists of what I want to do, of what I haven’t done, of what I should be doing. And then I start googling things like university intakes and scholarships and courses. And after I have lined up a respectable, third academic foray, I realise I need a job first and then I close all the open windows on my desktop in a huff and go back to seek.com.au to see if anything has come up since last I checked, that specifically caters to my dates.
This isn’t a strange place I am in. I have been here before, or at least, somewhere quite like it. And I know that instead of obsessively scooting around the internet trying to grab at anything I can in order to nail down known things, I should be breathing in my surroundings because they are temporary and I will miss them. And I know that it is utterly pointless to dwell so much on things I cannot , from where I am right now, in this here moment, do much about. I know, just like I had to move here to both reap and sow a multitude of seeds, I need to wait until I am back home to do the same. I know I need to be patient and not think quite so much.
And I know that, really, what I need to do is have a little faith. As someone said to me today, ‘please have faith, it has worked out perfectly thus far.’ And she is, of course, right. Even when things haven’t gone to plan, they have worked out. And I do believe things will be okay, rocky at first, of course, but ultimately okay. I cannot believe otherwise, I’d drive myself up the wall and down the other side. It’s just that having faith, just like being patient and not thinking quite so much, is easier said than done.
However eating the produce of doing things, does help.